Day 288

21.26 A long three weeks it has been of late, despite little actually taking place. To begin, a passage begun two weeks past yet never formulated nor published in its entirety:

Prior to testosterone, I spent an exorbitante amount of time reading the transition journals of other transman; particularly on the younger side, imagining all the number of things I might do when encountering myself the things of which they wrote; as well as scoffing at a selection of effects that I believed far too unlikely to occur in my transition. In particular in this category were the numerous accounts of “breakthrough bleeding”; that is, menses returning months or years into transition after many months of cessation.

And so after having exhausted the (admittedly short) list of all other possible causes, it came with a level of calamity when it was presented to me that I was, in fact, experiencing the inconceivable several weeks past. This was not a happy thing; though I must admit that in retrospect I was not at all surprised; as not only had I read an impressive amount of its occurance, but also my own estrogenic behaviors have been quite persistent in their remaining in the past.

This revelation resulted in a last-minute appointment with Dr. P., at which I received 50mg of testosterone (during the administration of which an audible gasp could be heard from the nurse; shortly followed by, “All your fat is gone, you have no behind!”) and instructions to increase my injections to 225mg around the time that my cycle would normally occur; which translates to roughly every other shot.

“The hysterectomy,” quoth he, peering at me with an indiscernable look between sympathy and desperation, “is key. I’m fighting a war here.”

This seems to have quelled any bleeding temporarily; though so much cannot be said at any point for the cramps, which have persisted throughout transition and continue to surface as recently as this past night. Nonetheless; I take what I can get.

And so began the second week; of which a small summary will suffice, perhaps leaving the full tale for a further time. Having been desiring an antidepressant for some time, after discovering several weeks following my first injection that testosterone did not, in fact, cure all; steps were taken back to Dr P.’s office a week after the first appointment to acquire said medication, ultimately resulting in unexpected situations which I did not find altogether too pleasing. These would not be limited to, though largely in correlation with a 6-hour hold in a psychiatric hospital prior to a four-way silent treatment match between family members after my release that same night.

However. The event having been declared in the past and relative mental recovery having taken place in regards to myself; I am now, after a followup appointment, three days on the SSRI known commercially as Lexapro, the particulars of which I shall touch upon in a moment.

In the testosterone scope, I find yesterday that, at near a year into transition, I have decreased an entire cup size, being now a borderline A cup. Admittedly this has no scientific proof, as there exists not a single bra of any size near my vicinity; however, being an adolescent male I am confident in my ability to judge cup sizes by sight; particularly of my own, which I have come to know quite well. It is also to be observed that I continue to become exceedingly hairy, extending even to bleached fuzz on my fingers and the backs of my hands, and a light-coloured brown slowly creeping up my back. This would concern me, being not so much a fan of hair peeking out one’s shirt collar, save for the fact that there is not an epidemic of back hair on any male in my family tree.

In regards to the Lexapro.

To be perfectly honest: The most significant, and immediately evident, side-effect is that after a testosterone-laden year of certain several-times-a-day self-indulgent activities, I find an hour after the first pill that I am physically unable to become aroused in even the slightest sense. Furthermore, anorgasmia and complete lack of interest or concern has been observed. This is a slight frustration. While celibacy is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice, I find the forced asexuality disappointing and boring at the least.

Also immediately noticeable is a full-body tremor that has yet to cease after the third day. Typing, writing and eating are difficult for several hours after the pill due to shakiness in the hands, though it lessens as the day continues. I seem jittery, my insides trembling like jello. I feel, quite frankly, like a miniscule, annoying insect; the buzzing, fast-paced mania felt by a mosquito. A very slight headache lingers on the edge of my consciousness. Concentration seems to lessen slightly, and my eyes seem to acquire difficulty focusing on things for more than a few seconds before I have the compulsion to move them. This is all familiar in some sense, having had a minor case of ADHD since childhood; however, it seems the medication has exacerbated this to a high level.

I have furthermore experienced severe nausea roughly between the first and third hours after the pill. This is immediately followed by a feeling of starvation, which I compulsively ease by consuming large amounts of anything in the vicinity; as soon as 15 minutes afterwards, the feeling returns despite that when I make to eat again, I am not actually hungry and am physically unable to ingest more; as often is observed after large, filling meals.

After a bit of research I find that these are all expected side-effects; but that most of them cease anywhere between weeks and months. My dosage is, however, merely in a trial state; after three weeks, I am to return to Dr P. and we will go from there. Having attempted to determine which side-effects I am capable of living with and comparing them against various antidepressants, if the unfavorable Lexapro effects persist up to the appointment I may request a trial of Wellbutrin; having a claim to faim of no weight gain, (versus several frightening accounts come across of 20 lbs. gained in two weeks on Lexapro) medication-induced fatigue or sexual dysfunctions. This is due to its classification being of the DARI (dopamine reuptake inhibitor) category as opposed to the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) category in which are placed Prozac, Lexapro, and many other antidepressants. This is merely a thought out loud.

And so another medical transition to document begins alongside the first.

~ by geekbynature on August 3, 2008.